I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
