How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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