He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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