i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
