I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
