Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
