so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
