I will die if light touches me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she looked like the before picture.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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