Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
