I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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