My nipple is on Facebook.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
