I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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