Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
