he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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