Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
