My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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