you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
