He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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