i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
