How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
