you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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