Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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