Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
