I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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