Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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