I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
