I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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