Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Randomize
