On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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