Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
