I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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