Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
