since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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