so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
