I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize