The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
