I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
