She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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