am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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