im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
