it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
