Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
