great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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