went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
