we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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