I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize