I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
