I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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