I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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