I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
