I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we're so committed to being not committed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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