just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
