When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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