I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
