i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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