your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
