I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
