Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
