Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
