I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
