its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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