this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
