she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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