You made me cry and you don't even care
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
