You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
