hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
